It Is 4:00 AM and I Have Clearly Lost My Mind

I've always wanted to be a contestant on Jeopardy! It used to be because of the thrill of competing against two other people in a battle of trivial knowledge and proving that I have the ability to dedicate my memory to completely useless facts. But now, things have changed...oh, have they changed.


I no longer want to take part in this game show to reap the rewards of money, semi-celebrity status and awe from my lightning quick buzzer reflexes. Oh, no...now making it onto this show is driven by an entirely different agenda. What agenda, you may ask?


Simply put, to repeatedly kick Alex Trebek in his crotch.


Now, many don't understand why I have such rage directed at this seemingly harmless gameshow host. But, if you watched enough Jeopardy and paid enough attention to the way this pompous Canadian operates, you would completely understand my hate. Well, maybe not my hate, but you'd certainly understand its root.


If I were to join the show, I would take every opportunity to openly mock Trebek for his completely unnecessary enunciating with a French accent by going through an entire show speaking with the most cartoonishly exaggerated French accent in the history of speaking. I would also throw feces at Alex. I'm not sure how well I'll get the point across, but there's no doubt in my mind that it will be hilariously fun. Also, during the unbearably awkward and contrived interview portion following the first commercial break, I would answer Alex's feigned attempt at becoming familiar with me by punching him in the face. I would follow my unexpected jab by throwing more feces. I have yet to plan out where I'm going to get all this feces to throw, but I figure I can tell a couple jokes to the other contestants and make them crap their pants with laughter.


I've come to realize that my plan for total Jeopardy domination is very reminiscent of SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy skits, only Alex is the one being shown as an idiot and instead of poking fun at Sean Connery or Burt Reynolds, there will be lots of gratuitous violence and flying shit. Basically, I will be a bigger ratings draw than ten Ken Jennings combined. Just imagine the promotional teasers being shown all day in between episodes of Oprah and commercials for laundry detergent..."Tonight on Jeopardy: Trivia, Daily Doubles, Incessant Swearing, Verbal and Physical Attacks, Feces and Midgets. Followed by Wheel of Fortune." That reminds me, I also plan to train an army of belligerent midgets to attack Trebek with nunchuks and tire irons.


In all seriousness, I doubt I've ever seen such a condescending and pretentious cock in my entire life. I may or may not be kidding about my desire to throw excrement, physically assault and set fire to Alex Trebek, but I certainly want to kick him in the balls and call him a bitch. But, that's not saying much because I want to do that to pretty much everyone.