A Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us: Dr. 90210

Well, I'd been meaning to say something about this show for a while now, but my inability to give a shit about myspace has proven to be a hell of an obstacle. But, now that I have a paper to write, it's natural that I seek out something else to do that is completely irrelevant. So, ranting on myspace it is.


Anyway, I was watching some television the other day in an attempt to melt off more sections of my brain. Well, since I'm really delayed in writing this it wasn't the "other day" so much as it was about a month ago. Barely a paragraph into this badboy and I'm already lying to you--sorry.


Anyhow, as I was saying, I was watching a little bit of the TV and I came across this commercial for a show on E! And when I say "on E!" I am referring to the Entertainment channel and not implying that the I was watching TV on ecstacy...though in hindsight, I probably should have at least smoked a little crack before watching to numb the oncoming frustrations. The commercial started with a very "SoCal" graphic, with palm trees, blue skies and sunshine. So, I was drawn in thinking this was some nice show that flaunted the things about Southern California that its inhabitants enjoy and the rest of the world envies. But, ohhh no...this was no show about our beautiful beaches, or our jealousy-inducing weather. In the blink of an eye, onto the screen pops a sleazy looking male wearing a labcoat, followed by the voiceover announcing "On the next Dr. 90210."


For those of you who were like me at that very moment and have never heard of Dr. 90210, I'll give you a quick overview of the show. Dr. 90210 is a shitty reality TV show where plastic surgeons do their dirty work and the producers spin the show into making it seem like they performed a noble act.


Now let's get back to the story, shall we?


The moment "Dr. 90210" made his way onto the screen and I realize the basic premise of the show, I tilted my head ever so slightly and gave the TV my perplexed "What in the fucking hell?" face. I couldn't help but wonder why this network and these producers felt the need to introduce another evil reality TV show to the world. What with the endless catalog of "Date my Mom," "I Want a Famous Face," "The Swan," "Extreme Face Makeover: Pathetic Edition," "Pimp My Ride," "Do Surgery On Me and Make Me a Better Person," "Watch This Show and Feel Your Brain Attempt Suicide," "Watch My Grandfather Get Mauled by a Kodiak Bear," "Make Over My New Pet Kodiak Bear," "Who Wants to Stab Alex Trebek?," "Pimp My Mom and Extremely Make Over Her Face and Make It Famous Then Punch Me Repeatedly In the Crotch," "Survivor," etc., I figured either there were no ideas left, or there were more than enough of these shows and there was no more room for another. Unfortunately, I overestimated mankind again, because apparently there was a public outcry over the lack of awful "reality" TV that does nothing but make people feel ugly. So, the makers of Dr. 90210 came to the rescue.


Now, I realize that all this frustration and anger may seem a bit ridiculous seeing as how this is some lower end show on a dumb cable network. However, only milliseconds after my hate for this show began to brew, they threw me a curveball. They began showing teaser clips for the next episode which was about a mother and daughter getting breast implants together. Before I could begin laughing and crying at the same time, something struck me about the daughter. If I remember correctly, what I immediately said was, "Holy shit, that's Denise Luna!" For those of you who have yet to memorize my life story, first off, shame on you, and secondly, Denise Luna was my classmate back in elementary school. I was almost sure that I was hallucinating, so I decided that it was in my best interest to catch the show when it came on just for the purpose of figuring out if I was losing my mind or not. Not for gratuitous boobies...of course not. Seriously. C'mon what do you think I am, a pervert? You do? Oh...well...ok. But please, don't tell anyone.


A few days later the show was set to air, so I grabbed a bag of chips, a drink and a pair of meat skewers to shove into my eyes for when the moment I realized I was actually watching that stupid show. The moment of truth arrived when Denise and her mother introduced themselves from the front yard of Denise's house. I knew without a doubt this was the same Denise, because after graduating from elementary school Denise held a party at her house and the very spot where the two ladies were standing was where I frolicked about in an above ground pool several years ago. Another interesting tidbit from the show was when the little girl whom I assumed was Denise's little sister turned out to be her daughter. Chalk up another tally on the "Shalom is a naive fool" board.


The rest of the show is a bit blurry in my memory, as it's been about a month since I saw it and watching that particular episode almost certainly crippled the part of my brain responsible for memory. But, from what I do remember, the sleazy looking doctor held a meeting with Denise and her mother about how much bigger they wanted their breasts to be. Apparently Denise's mother already had a boob job done, but something went wrong so they ended up uneven...so naturally, she went in to make them bigger. Before I knew it, the "doctor" had the two topless as he scribbled random lines all over their naked torsos with a sharpie. I was hoping he'd start up a game of tic-tac-toe, but I guess that would have been slightly unprofessional of him.


More chunks of the show are missing in my mind, but my guess is that that's a good thing. Next thing I remember, Denise and her mother are in gowns for pre-op procedures. During this time, Denise went behind her mother's back and told Dr. 90210 that she wanted to "go bigger" on the implants. The doctor replied, "Good, because the bigger your boobs are, the better a person you are." Ok, that's not true, but you know that's what he wanted to say...or what I wanted him to say, anyway. While in the operating room, the doctor creepily commented over and over how "cute" he found Denise to be. I suppose such comments from him wouldn't so bad in normal situations, but to announce this while you're poking, prodding and sticking things into her boobs? Not to mention the fact that you just recently knocked her unconscious with drugs? C'mon, man. Strangely funny...but, c'mon, that's just weird.


They then cut to the mother, who voiced her concerns over her daughter, saying that her motherly instincts were coming out and she just wanted to make sure Denise was ok. The irony of that entire situation made me laugh so hard I nearly passed out. It didn't help that I was also tickling myself with a feather at the same time. Don't judge, that's just how I like to watch TV.


The rest of the show really isn't even worth mentioning, because it basically consisted of more gratuitous but blurred out nudity featuring a girl I used to play kickball with and her mother. However, the show ended with the two taking a salsa dancing class, where Denise's mother cleverly said, "C'mon Denise, shake what your mama gave you!" Hahahahaha, she's referring to the breasts she bought for her daughter, and not the ones passed on through genetics! Hahahahahaha, oh the clever wit is suffocating me! By the beard of Zeus, I can't stop laughing! Hahahahahaha--I believe this is around the time where I shoved those meat skewers into my eyes and started screaming so psychotically that the neighbors called the police and fire department thinking I was either being beaten to death or the house and I were on fire or both.


I'll end this by saying again that I have no doubt that reality TV is a concept thought up in a meeting room deep within the fiery pits of hell. I also know that plastic surgery can help certain people in really dire situations, but I'd be willing to bet that the vast majority of work done by plastic surgeons is completely useless. These people call themselves "doctors", yet all they seem to do is transform perfectly normal, and oftentimes naturally good-looking people into walking, talking cartoon characters. Last I checked, there were still plenty of sick people in the world and diseases yet to be cured or even treated. But, instead of advancing the cause of medicine and health, as I once assumed doctors were supposed to do, these guys are exploiting the insecurities of people and giving them a false sense of contentment by surgically inserting a hackey sack full of jell-o into their chests or injecting their face with Botox, which erases wrinkles with the minor side effect of also erasing facial emotion., et cetera, et cetera.


With that said, I must depart. I have a meeting with a doctor, and we are going to discuss surgically removing the dangerous amounts of awesome I have throughout my entire body. While I'm at it, I'll ask him to throw in a face lift, a pair of Wolverine-like retractable, adamantium claws, and maybe some genitals.


Shalom, over and out.